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Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Four Candles

A huge Happy 4th Birthday to Austen Hill! Holy Crap. I honestly didn't even think about it, which if I look back seems to be the case most years. Facebook reminded me of it when it showed me my "memories" from today. I saw the first Happy Birthday post I did from back in 2013. Re-reading that post was hard. I remember where I was sitting when I wrote it. I remember what had happened the night before. I remember how upset I was. I remember how hot it was outside even under the umbrella. It was a Sunday afternoon and I was in my backyard. I was crying.

By the time I posted it on the blog's actual birthday date a week later I felt better, but it doesn't matter. The point is that I was that upset and I shouldn't have been. I deserved better. But I guess I'm the one who ultimately makes that decision. I wrote about how the past year I had made the decision to stop living a safe life and take more chances. I wrote about how that past year, and all that had happened before, had taught me that I didn't want to waste my life anymore being afraid.

That year I did take chances. I didn't play it safe. It wasn't easy. Getting through these past few years hasn't been easy. The sad thing is I'm doing it again. I'm sitting here doing the same damn thing I've done for three years. Why? Because it's safe. It's not safe as in it's good for me, it's safe because I know it. At least it's something.

When you've been at sea for more days than you care to count and there is still no land in sight you do whatever you have to do to make it through. You pray for a mirage. You might even drink sand. I know I just switched metaphors but go with me on this, I'm emoting.

I thought about calling this post "Land", but that's a mirage too. There isn't any end to the journey. I can't keep staring out at the horizon. There's a great life to be had right here on this sound vessel. Ok, enough with the metaphors and boat references. I get it. I guess I should thank Facebook. It was good to re-read what I wrote. It was good to remember that doing something that is getting me nowhere, and even sometimes makes me feel the way I did that day in the backyard, is me playing it safe all over again.

Don't worry, it's not all self-reflecting sappiness on this most celebratory of occasions. I also went back through this year and picked out some of my favorite pictures. I hope you enjoy them. Can't wait to meet you right back here in a year with a few more....

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