Thursday, April 24, 2014

Never Have I Ever: Not Checked Facebook For A Day

{ This was me by the end of the day }

I'm what you call a "heavy user" of social media. Between my personal Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages....as well as the ones I maintain for work, this blog and the band......I'm always one step away from a nervous breakdown. The most heavenly thing in the world would be a week in a cabin so far out of range of a signal (also with a fireplace, giant bathtub, fully-stocked kitchen and a few other necessities) that no one could reach me. Total radio silence......

I say that would be heaven, and it would, but in truth the itch would get to me and I would want to check things eventually, see how the world was carrying on without me so to speak. That itch coupled with my natural voyeuristic tendencies = I probably wouldn't last that long. So when I came up with the idea to do a series on things I'd never done before, seeing how long I could go without checking social media was at the top of the list. I knew a week was out of the question and three days wouldn't be feasible for work, so I settled on 24 hours.

24 measly little hours.....here's how it went down....with some apropos selfies to commemorate my "glass case of emotion" from the day....

{ I got this! }

6:30 am: I wake up and instinctively reach for the phone to check my news feed on Twitter but stop myself. Pavlovian response overcome!!! I shower and start getting ready, leisurely sipping my coffee. I wonder if anyone has some fun quippy morning posts on facebook?? I don't care about morning posts on facebook! Pay attention or you're going to fry your hair with your curling iron.

{ Oh well }

7:15 am: I take Miss Austen for her morning walk. Wow the cherry blossoms on that tree are so beautiful have to take a pic and share...wish you were here:). No! No one gives a crap about your pictures of cherry blossoms. I look down at Miss Austen and realize she's trying to swallow a chicken bone she's found on the street. Motherhood is lovely...and sanitary:).

{ What if? }

9:02 am: I'm in the office that morning and as I sit at my desk dark thoughts begin to descend on me like a wave. What if something bad happens to someone and I don't know about it?! What if someone posts a cute pic of their kid and I don't like it and they get mad at me?! What if One Kings Lane has an amazing sale that day and I miss it?! Did I say dark thoughts? Well, more like off-white thoughts. I steel my nerves and don't pick up my phone. Deep breath, you can do this!

{ Maybe if I just lean a little further? }

12:16 pm: Meetings have carried me through the morning and I am feeling confident. I am amazing! I am the strongest human being on the planet! My lunch meeting has been pushed back a half an hour so I wander into a coffee shop and immediately regret my decision. EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS ON THEIR PHONE!!!! It was like taking an alcoholic to a bourbon distillery. I start sweating. My ears are getting hot. All these people know things I don't! They are laughing and showing each other funny posts about apps that turn celebrities into fat versions of themselves. They're so lucky.

Get it together Fitzgerald! That's what I call myself in my head when I need to buck up. Don't judge me. I calmly walk to the counter and stand in line. The guy in front of me is on Facebook. Maybe we have mutual friends in common? It is Richmond after all. I have no idea what's going on with anyone!!!! I step forward a bit so I can see over his shoulder. Kind of blurry?? Damn I'm getting old! I step closer....he quickly turns around and steps back realizing how close I was. I'm so sorry I was trying to get a closer look at the menu I say. He gives me a polite smile clearly thinking I was hitting on him. Classy Fitzgerald!

{ F This! }

2:22 pm: F THIS!!!! Screw my strength! Screw the blog! I can't take this anymore we might have invaded Canada and I have no idea!!! I reach down to pick up my phone but something stops me. Don't give up yet. Concentrate on what you've learned about yourself already today. What? That I'm a weak individual who is so chained to virtual information sharing sources that I am basically loosing my shit without them?! No, lets focus on other things....like the cherry blossoms. Look at the picture of the nice, calm cherry blossoms and meditate. Screw that I need chocolate!

{ Pretty please }

4:37 pm: I have a headache and I want wine! I feel disconnected. I feel poopy. I haven't been able to post anything either and my inner narcissist comes out thinking everyone will be wondering how my day was too. I'm really doing a disservice not posting anything. Maybe I can log on through a colleague's account? That won't count as cheating right??? Pretty please??!! I'm pathetic.

4:39 pm: I explain what I'm doing to my colleague who says she read a study where people who use social media the least have the best sex lives. For the next five minutes I seriously consider canceling all of my accounts.



5:32 pm: I cave....I can't do it. I spend the next hour combing through everything and all is finally right with the world. Oh, and we didn't invade Canada. I know you were wondering:).

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