Monday, October 28, 2013

The Tightrope


I've been a bad blogger lately.....sorry. Blogging by definition is a creative endeavor. So when you're not feeling very creative it's like standing in front of a canvas with the brush in your hand and absolutely no idea what to paint. Why haven't I felt very creative? Lots of things.

I've been really busy.

No...that's a lame excuse!

I hate posting anything that feels less than perfect and I just haven't had anything in a couple weeks that I've been creatively passionate about.

That's a little better (and slightly true) but still not it.

See there was this flood and I had to save a baby that was drowning and I've been in a hospital in Malaysia for two weeks...

Oh hell!

The truth is I have a problem. Well not a problem, more like a situation. Well not really a situation more like a thing (that's great) but it's caused a situation (which isn't great) and now I have a problem.

Follow?

See I care so much about this thing that it's hard to care about anything else. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around in a stupor not able to get out of bed or anything. I go to work, I spend time with my friends and I have great things like this blog and my band which keep me very busy. And all of that is wonderful! But we're humans and we only have so much space in our minds and hearts. We only have so much energy for the day and our endeavours no matter how many times we go to the gym or how much sleep we get. So even though I'm very happy with my life the things that used to fill me up don't anymore. I think it's because I care so much about this other thing, and because of that, everything else seems a bit hollow. I guess you could say I didn't know any better and ignorance was bliss.

"The mind once enlightened cannot again become dark."

Thomas Paine

(See Karen I got the quote right this time! Or if I didn't it's Goodreads fault not mine.)

Some days I wish it was dark again. Like today. Life, as it always does, has taken another turn and I'm feeling mighty sad. Do you remember the day you learned something mind-bogglingly new, had a new experience or even perhaps found out something that you thought was true wasn't. All of those things can be good or bad. Now think of the day before. There was a certain bliss attached to not knowing. Because you were ignorant of what could be, you had the uncanny ability to tell yourself the lie that everything was ok. It was enough. It's not.

I've avoided certain situations my whole life because I knew there could be pain attached. As an over-planner/control freak (that's a strong word let's use enthusiast), I thought by avoiding them I had somehow beaten the system. Ha ha life! I've outsmarted you with my cunning. It's ok you can laugh at me. I did. Ok you can stop now.

I don't want to go back. Mostly because of that amazing word Mr. Paine used above, enlightened. I am sad today, but hopefully we're on the right path and we'll find our way back.

It's a deliberate decision to step off the side of the cliff and start walking the tightrope that is life. It's really windy up here though and I'm trying not to fall. I would also suggest not looking down if you can help it. But I'm glad I took that first step, over a year ago now, and all the steps I've taken since. The cliff was insanely boring and what I'll refer to as "the cheap seats". When I do make it to the other side I know all the steps I've taken, both good and bad, will have been worth it.

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